Make a habit of asking for help
When I tell people that I work as a business psychologist, one of the most frequent responses I get is a request for what you might call “life hacks”. “What’s your top leadership tip?” or “How can I be more productive?” are common questions.
I realized the other day that my answer to almost all of these questions boils down to the same recommendation: Make a habit of asking for help.
If I were to make one sweeping observation of the way we live our lives, especially in what we call “Western” societies, it would be that we tackle too many of life’s challenges alone or in isolation. Parenting, learning, making a living, achieving a goal, finding meaning — all too often, these are things that we do by ourselves (or sometimes with a partner). If you consider the “natural” state of humans to be the hunter-gatherer model, where we lived, explored, hunted, parented, and learned in groups of up to a hundred or more, the atomized way we live now seems so far from how we evolved to be.
In this context, almost anything you’re struggling with could be better approached with the help of others.
Who to ask?
Generally, you can ask for help from anyone you trust: family, friends, co-workers, colleagues, teachers, neighbors, spiritual or religious advisors, or whoever makes sense at the time. Sometimes, though, you might not have anyone you trust or want to burden, at least with whatever issue you’re dealing with. Luckily, there are trained professionals who can help you.
Therapy (also referred to as counseling) — Therapy is generally provided by a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a licensed counselor. Psychiatrists are medical doctors, and they can prescribe medication to address psychiatric disorders. Psychologists and counselors are licensed by the relevant government authorities to provide mental health services. Definitely see a therapist if you are experiencing acute psychological distress, including depression and anxiety.
Popular and evidence-backed forms of therapy include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). These forms of therapy can be useful for re-evaluating some of the narratives and beliefs — often going back to childhood or instances of trauma — that hold us back in one way or another, through self-doubt, anger, fear, mistrust, or anything else. CBT and ACT can also help you manage these emotions better when they arise.
I’ve come around to thinking that everyone should try some therapy at least once. I used to think that people without trauma or who had happy childhoods had no need for therapy, but going back to what I wrote earlier comparing today’s society with the “natural” one, one huge difference is that parents today have a disproportionately larger impact on their children’s lives than they did in earlier societies. Once upon a time (not all that long ago, if you think about the village model that still dominates much of the world), you would have been raised by your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, and neighbors. Today, the majority of people (in the West) are raised almost exclusively by one or two parents. This means that no matter how kind or gentle or good at parenting your parents were, they still left some very deep psychological fingerprints on you. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing! But it’s worth exploring how these fingerprints mold your thoughts and behavior today. As Socrates would say, know yourself!
Coaching — Coaching is a broad field, but generally it is rooted in positive psychology and involves someone (hopefully with some training) with an unbiased perspective listening to you and helping you to achieve your goals, whatever they may be. As opposed to therapy, which often involves looking back at the past in order to identify the root of an issue, coaching is mostly goal-oriented and forward-looking. Common themes in coaching are making decisions (e.g. career changes), reducing stress, learning assertive communication skills, working with others, increasing productivity and combatting procrastination, and gaining confidence.
Coaching is an unregulated field, which means that anyone out there can call themselves a coach, so it pays to scrutinize the credentials and approaches of potential coaches. For example, a friend told me recently that her former boss used a coach who also claimed to read people’s past lives. I prefer evidence-based approaches, which is why I trained in psychological coaching. Psychological coaches are trained to use the CBT and ACT approaches in everyday coaching contexts.
I recommend coaching to everyone without exception. We could all use a considerate and unbiased perspective to help us achieve our goals. One drawback of coaching is that it can be expensive. In that regard you might want to consider the following. First of all, if you are an employee, check with your employer to see if they might cover executive coaching for you. This is often a great investment for the organization itself. Secondly, there are plenty of people out there training to be coaches who can provide coaching services for free or at discounted rates. And lastly, sometimes you’re just worth the investment in yourself.
Making a habit is about wanting to make a habit
Over the next week or so, try to take note of the times you have thoughts like, “I should know how to do this,” or “nobody wants to hear about my problems,” or “I just have to accept that this is the way I am, and I’ll never change.” All of these are signs that you might want to ask for help. You don’t know everything, people like to help, and you are capable of change. It all comes down to your willingness to change.
Once you decide you want to change, then recognize that you don’t have to do it on your own. Ask for help, from someone you know or from a professional. As you start seeing how effective asking for help is, you’ll start doing it more. And then you’ll start offering to help more often. This might not be as immediately thrilling as the latest life hack, but it’s the best advice I can give to individuals living in our society today.
